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Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in
graciecaulfield's InsaneJournal:
| Monday, March 29th, 2010 | |
| 11:12 pm | I love how adult swim makes promos for movies and they're better than the regular one. Some weeks I hate mondays. I think it all started because I watched little bill. I watched that with Jamie when he was little. We'd sit up in my room and close the door and watch it while drinking chocolate milk. It was our fun time, a time to be alone. I miss that. I watched it today and missed him. I wonder what he'd look like today. Probably like daddy. In the movie they were singing this song about how the same sun and same moon are seen no matter where you are. Momma said that to me before I went to Paris. That no matter how far away I was we'd all still be together somehow. It made me miss things more. I wanted to write a better entry here. But I can't get the words to come out right. Maybe I need a vacation. |
| 5:43 pm | Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give |
| Thursday, March 18th, 2010 | |
| 10:42 pm | I feel old. I'm 24, that means I should be in the prime of my life. Yet I don't feel like I am. I've spent my entire life, or it feels like I have, taking care of people. Thats what happens when you're second oldest I guess. I always thought of my siblings as my babies, dressing them up, changing diapers, feeding them, making sure everyone was taken care of. Well of course I didn't like when they cried. I was 5 when the oldest was born, of course I wanted a live dolly. France was supposed to change my life. I didn't have to be a little girl anymore, I didn't have to help momma with the babies (I think she thought that she made me do it. But that wasn't the case, I loved them) It was supposed to be that time to concentrate on myself, to follow my passion, do what I wanted. Live my dream. I guess it changed my life. For the last seven years I've taken care of Faith, or I've tried to. I brought her to France to protect her, to help her, to keep her safe. My life has been spent making sure she was taken care of, making sure all of them were taken care of. And now she has her own life and doesn't need me there anymore. I feel like an old maid. All I need is a cat...or a cat launcher. No, its sad when I don't know what I want to do with my life if I have to live it just for me. I don't like this feeling. This half being happy that I dont have to give a fuck really, and the other half feeling like totally useless. Like what am I supposed to do now, what makes me worth while when people dont need me anymore. I need to find something to do besides drink by myself watching NCIS. Its far more than a little lame. /fail now. |
| Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010 | |
| 1:40 am |  Grace Natalia Caulfield was born May 2, 1985. She is soon to be celebrating her 25th birthday, something she is not exactly looking forward to. Both due to the fact that she feels extremely old being a quarter of a century but also because it marks another milestone in which her parents and siblings (at least the majority of her siblings) will not be there to celebrate. Studied in France to be a fashion designer. Is now struggling to make it in New York City. She took her sister back to live with her in France but sensing that Faith missed things state side moved back to the US. She still spends a great amount of time in France, and hopes to get dual citizenship sometime within the next 3 years. Suffers some survivors guilt from having not been there with her family the night they were kidnapped tortured and killed. She doesn't talk about it, only about how it must be hard for Faith. She knows she's lucky, but part of her wishes she had died with the rest of them or at least had been there to try to save them, feeling if she had been there maybe they would have spared Faith. Is very maternal. She was always taking care of her siblings growing up. And now she feels its her duty to take care of Faith, and watches over her all of the time. Probably annoyingly so as Faith is the older of the two but Grace can't help it. She also is very nurturing of her three dogs- 2 bull mastiffs named Frank and Lorenzo, and a beagle-lab mixed name Lexa. Like her sister she has the names of her family members on her skin, but hers form a cross on her shoulderblade. She's the last person many would think to get a tattoo but she wanted a constant reminder. She does a lot of charity work. She has picked a cause for each of her siblings and her parents and spends time working at or donating money to each one. For her father, she helps Operation Homefront, for her mother a local animal shelter, for Hope she works with the homeless, for Joy she volunteers at a children and battered womans shelter, and for Jamie she helps an after school program. For Faith she holds a fashion show for rape counseling every year. She wants to do something to keep her familys memory alive. Though she doubts Faith will ever want to visit she has kept their home in Texas and for the most part has left it the exact way it was when everyone died, aside from the mess left after the brutal scene. She couldn't stand to have the house she grew up in and loved taken away, even if it hurts to visit there. But at times it helps her remember where she has come from. It keeps her family alive in her heart. Does not attend church regularly. Is not a big fan of organized religion, as she believes it is often used as an excuse to hate and alienate people, but she does find solice in prayer, and prays the rosary at least once a day. She uses the same beads her great great grandmother once used as well as her great grandmother, grandmother, and mother. Loves hot and spicy food, and she wouldn't go anywhere without some hot sauce stuck in her purse. She also carries honey for tea, at least 2 packs of crackers, gum, tums, and instant coffee. Not to mention nail polish remover, a pair of extra pantyhoes, a book, her sketch pad and extra pencils in her purse at all times. It probably weighs 15 pounds. Someday dreams of having a large family like her own. She just hasn't found the right person. That and she silently fears that it will all be taken away from her like it had been before. Loves coffee, Blue Moon, and chocolate. She drinks her coffee black, has her blue moon with orange, and her chocolate is almost always dark. She hates french toast, anything that smells good but tastes disgusting, and cherry cough medicine. Hasn't figured out what to do if her career in Fashion doesn't go as planned. Perhaps something dealing with kids. But she isn't exactly sure what yet. But then again her charity might be enough work for her but she doesn't truely see it as a career. She loves pigs and Penguins and has a large collection of figurines of both in her room and living room. They also are on her sheets and blankets in her bedroom. She also still sleeps with a teddy bear, a gift from her father, and needs the hall light on to sleep. She's a good cook but often can only master a recipe if it has less than 5 ingredients. So she has boughten the whole series of 5 or less cookbooks, including the whole crock pot series. She loves crock pot meals even if its hard to make it just for one. She misses having people to eat with. She probably has the slightest bit of OCD, and has to check her locks and alarm systems at least three times upon entering and exiting her home wanting to make sure it is entirely safe. |